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Cassielle Heid

how to relieve stress

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December 3rd, 2008

apologize

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how to relieve stress

I apologize but most of my journal entries are going to go to--

schuriscloa

yeah....

August 18th, 2008

See ya later guys

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 So, I had friends come over today and what do they do?  Roam through my messy room, like scientists at a crime scene.   They say by the time they're finished with my room, they'e doing Megan's...

For a girl who's room is worst than their rooms, and a house that is the pits with all it's obstacle courses and what not, I am scared of Megan's house and her room.  Just rather scared...

For someone like myself, I am quite happy day... right after getting some psychotic laughter at a random time after a "put thoughts in head that I don't want" time in the bathroom.  Damn, I should have brought a newspaper with me into the bathroom... ><

Oh yeah, made some plans for Otakon 09 with friends.  Being Grimmjow and despite my efforts at dodging the questions of what to do for bathrooms and such, I jsut asked my friend who's going as Gin about using the bathroom at Otakon.  She must've laughed with what I said, but honestly, I was confused.  I mean what do you do when you're crossdressing as a boy, taping down your boobs, ahving a flesh-toned halter with bandages around your chest?

Anywho, I should get started on my Kuna cosplay.  I have two weeks left of August.  I need to get teh shoes, do the wig, make something that look like her goggles.  *sigh*

I'm going as Gin for Katsucon.  His Gotei 13 self... not his arrancar I guess, though I want to be his arrancar outfitted self... ;-; his new outfit is kickass.  And the shoes looks MORE comfortable...

Anyways, that's about it, so I guess i should be planning cosplays... and such.

August 17th, 2008

... But Maggie doesn't have watermelon to smash... O____O

I'm stupid... I thought I could get stupid by getting more damage to my ears ... what I meant was the stupid fillers for BLEACH... instead all I got was Aqua Teen Force movie... =____=  And those digital dudes... PHAILED miserably at taking over the world... their "negacion wannabe" or they called it a different thing--but it looked "negacion"-ish... didn't work.

So, today, I watched BLEACH No Clouds In The Sky (did I get the title wrong?) Rock Musical's backstage YET AGAIN.

:33333 I lawled when Tuti was rehearsing the Negacion scene.  I think Tousen and Aizen's actors were teasing him about the first time he went on the platform.  Aizen's actor was sooooooooooooo quiet... but what could I expect from him--until some scenes backstage.... where he DANCED, GRINNED, and etc. DRESSED AS HIS CHARACTER!!!  Including a part where he was dancing with Tousen as "the true" Aizen.

I drew Aizen with a bow on his one strand that annoys me to no end... it's so random... I just want to slick it back with the rest of his hair... thus, I could only find parodies of him getting his strand stretched.

Shin-Chan's on... maybe we have a chance for shotage of ear?  *crosses fingers*

Knowing my luck... bad dubs will not happen... EVEN WHEN SHIN-CHAN'S ON!!!

August 15th, 2008

How can one live with the permanent humiliation (holds up yearbook) of being the one voted for:

MOST LIKELY TO CONQUER THE WORLD?!!!!

It just.... that... literally, the kids in my grade have no humour at all.  Some crappy joke they pulled in the yearbook.  Sometimes I think I should be proud of it, since the kids in my grade are such losers.  But I'm happy that I'm leaving high school to go into college.  MY FRIEND IS THE ONE THAT REALLY WANTS TO CONQUER THE WORLD.  Me?  I'm just... a general... nothing more.  And even then, I think I won't be spared... xDDD;  Though where CAN she start?  I have no idea.  She has no idea.  So, WTFBBQSAUCEONMYFRIES and BLOODYHELLTHEREAPERSAREAFTERME?

Explanation at the bottom of this "WTF-fied" entry.

+ So I asked her,  "Whaddaya wanna start with, in your mass plan of conquer the world?"
= "I'll start... somewhere... clean? was all she ever told me.
+ "And you're planning to have generals help you, cause you can't have an army of penguins.  They do nothing but waddle and you'll be beaten.  Face it, war is all about humans killing humans... not humans killing penguins."
= "But I want to be the only one that rules the world and not have share that power."
+ "Sure... all leaders have their down sides... sure you might be queen of the world when you're finished.  Sure you might be targeted for being a rotten one and then have a bunch of assasination attempts on you.  Do you think things through for once or do you just dream this dream that no one can particular reach without the UN after you?"
=  "But, I don't get why you're the one who got the superlative and  I don't, because you're merely one of my generals ( Me: *rolls eyes* ), and let's face it... I understand what you're saying but... I'm serious when I say I want to conquer the world...
+  "Then conquer it with something small so ya can conquer the faces of those in our grade at school.  Especially the ones of the students you dislike."
=  "Why did they choose you?  You of all people?"
+  "So they can get a last laugh at me?  Unlike them, I know what they want to do to me.  It's not as if I'm that guillable.  In my photo I looked as if I wanted to kill someone, but that's besides the point.  They're fault for even voting me as that winner of that superlative.  They're fault for getting me to do some kind of crazy shit for the stupid, lame yearbook film they're doing."
=  "I guess I can understand that."
+  "It's better than you having to go through all of that."
=  "I guess... but you still do the same mistakes of ..."
+  "Of showin' the world I'm a person and I can be weird and shit, but I still am.. The kind of person that shoves fashion up people's asses.  The kind of person who actually wants to make a career being an American whose highly inspired by manga drawings to become a comic artist?  Sure, I'm weird.  Sure, I have certain attributes that leave me out from all the rest of the assholes in my grade.  But my kind of world... is a world that is of success and aiming to at least be a better person.  So what if sometimes I show tears for those whom ruin themselves with drugs and alcohol?  They made their choices, they stick with 'em, and now look where they are.  Some people make a mistake dating someone with some kind of STD or STI for that matter--and end up dying from some or suffering for their entire lives with the other few.  But the world that I plan on living in.  The world I plan on dying in, is a world that I become a comic artist and produce some comics that can be published."
=  ".___. You scare me at times..."
+  "I know... .__. sometimes I jus' feel kinda intuitive I guess... or is that a wrong choice of word?  I don't really care in the least anyways of describing.  As long as I'm happy without so many people bothering me... nagging at me to do things I'm tired of doing... but I guess in my own devour and conquer...  I guess I'll work myself up for getting used to people an such... and surprise people with the way I have become better about my anxiety for people...  That is the only conquering I have... perfect lives and perfect careers are simply illusions that everyone becomes delusive over..."

I guess the conversation sorta went like that.. in that fashion, though most of my explanations took some kind of unwinding in the brain to decipher.

August 14th, 2008

So, today I finished Real World by Natsuo Kirino.  Really good read and easy too.  It was rather depressing and it got me thinking about some things.  The ending almost made me cry.  It just got me thinking about things and what I should do--keep my mouth shut.

Like I haven't learnt that a million times before.  I am obviously vindicated in what I do, I keep repeating my crimes and ... I just go out feeling even more alone.  I'm a piece of crap.

I guess I shouldn't've finished the book, but I had to.  It was a seven-day loan.  Kirari annoyed the living crap out of me and Terauchi... I just disliked her.  Even if she IS the realistic one, I think Toshi was the best of out all the characters.  Worm was the worst.  I just wanted to rip his--balls off... or lack thereof.

Yeah, I took off from Breaking Dawn.  I just couldn't TAKE IT ANYMORE.  What was Meyer thinking?!  I can't say a bloody thing about it, until maybe a few months after the book is released.  The only thing I'm saying is that it just... lost my interest.  You first got me into a world where I could hide from the realities of my inward crimes, but then... with this one coming out, how are you supposed to win me back when you start writing about your dear, beloved character's POV?

Why?  Just WHY?!

It's just like when I tried reading the later books of the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice.  She first gets me into this interesting Vampire world, with a god-mod like character.  An actual cool kinda character, until she put another character in the story-telling seat.  I like Lestat's first story-teller the best, not the later ones.  Lestat did better when he was either gay for his lone surviving vamp or straight for the Queen of the Damned.  Rice put me in a world where I could imagine all the laws and theories of me and then made it unwind.

Why?  Just WHY?!

But then, I guess I shouldn't say anything else cause I'm the fucking same with my sorry excuse for a subhuman story.  Lately, I'm trying to shorten it, and if I give it a cliffhanger or a decent ending that I like--my readers won't like it.  But for now, I will write "4REAL" and my pirate manga.  I guess it will let me think of what to do with Kasei and the others, and yes I'm resurrecting them from the back of my brain.  It's been awhile and things have changed.  But I won't roleplay as them I guess.  Cause that my friends were my downfall.

But decisions can be changed I guess.

See you.  You know you love me and you know you live to hate me.

Yours truly,
Hypocritical risingmoonxx

August 9th, 2008

sigh...sigh... aye aye...

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 On a very normal note.  I'm going to a wedding today.  I won't be on til much later and then I'll be staying for a few hours until the party.  I'm most likely taping BLEACH.  Ew, I know it's the fillers.  But *shrugs*.  I have to reset my password on facebook cause the stupid thing won't log me in.  =____= *smashes sludgehammer on her facebook page* Stupid college space... D:< I DEMAND A REFUND!

August 8th, 2008

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 Okay... seriously, I am going to go insane.  This summer has been pretty awesome.  So what if sometimes I got emo and crazed, because right now that is still the way I am.  Still getting by it.  Still distancing from ...

Life has been going by me like it was a movie.  I sound so hypocritical, but I hate being the center of attention.  It's the fucking truth, even though I tend to like being in spotlight in some roleplaying.  Even though I roleplay and suddenly it's like everything is revolving around me.  I've been getting better and better at involving other characters.  Alya has been helping me with that.  :3  Even though she has no idea until now xDDD;.

So, anyhow, I'm becoming rather annoying, or is that an understatement?  Yeah, an understatement.  It's pretty understandable, really.  It is.

I found a mmorpg that my friend got me hooked on.  It's kinda weird.  I'm also interested in trying mabinogi(sp?).  I'm trying to find a bunch of friends, that my adoptive brother would like to roleplay with, but he's busy with alot of things since he's two years older than I am.  And he's pretty far away from me... maybe a few days away.

I've found some really cool people and maybe some people that might be able to help me with my bad roleplaying skills.  Yes, I'm horrible and yes that is an understatement.

I play Wonderland Online.  The monsters so far are so adorable that I want every one of them as plushies.  There was a Mabinogi, Gaia, and RO panels at Anime Expo.  I wasn't able to get to the Gaia panel because everyone and their brother were there.  And my online friend was already three or five yards away from the rest of the group.

I finally met Roxy, my online friend.  Though I can't possibly reveal whom she was at the convention.  Maybe I can and get away with it.. but no... not going to risk it.  All I can say is that she was a Turk, maybe from Before Crisis or maybe Elena or Cisnei.  Who knows.  Bada-bing, bada-boom.

I keep finding more flaws about myself and I want to make myself strong as I can, but I know that these flaws will last with me altogether and throughout my life.  I do apologize, I've been such a fucking jerk lately.  There's just something really off about me.  Really.  That's what there is to it.  I scared Jillian the other day when she was over.  We were watching Origin and I scared her about saying things she really couldn't understand me.  Other than that, I really was pushy about elbow space and then suddenly out the blue I got really pissed off.

I had a physical for college and my doctor and mother were talking about me; my endochrine problems, my possibility of developing PECOS (or whatever it is called now, I still call it PCOS), my strongest possibilities of getting thyroid, diabetes and other diseases.  Oooo, lovely, not to mention Depression seems to run in the family on my father's side?  Anyways, my doctor and mother talked about my learning disabilities and the Autistic symptoms.  Gees... gets me depressed.  I'll have the shitty flaw for the rest of my fucking, pathetic existance.

As goes for praying about my demise... heh... heehee... your wishes is my command! 8D!!!  HEEHEEHEE *cough, cough* Not.

Oh yeah, did I mention something good happened a few days ago?  Yeah!  xDDD I gots MUSE's Origin of Symmetry finally.  I didn't get Mindless Self Indulgence because of the cost.  I'm definitely going to try and find the time, that my library seems to want to CONSTRICT LIKE A BOA, and go to some place like FYE and get some other cds.  I need to catch up to The Cranberries' more current stuff.  I just got No Need To Argue about two years ago I believe.

And today I got Peach Snaple again!  And a few noshy stuff.  And coffee.  I guess I should be happy and smile, but that's all in the coffee today.

Well, anyways, I have to get going, three angry windows are blinking...

August 5th, 2008

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Can't go on the computer until room is cleaned... and i have work at 6 PM.

August 4th, 2008

Hello

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gintama phailure

 There is so many things I would like to change about myself.  But I come to realization that I really can't right now.  If I change myself to be more outgoing like back in elementary school people are going to laugh at me and point at me and make fun of me.  It's so much better to hide out in the background, but still, I get made fun of.  But I guess right now I should be happy.

Well, I'm not.

There are things that I don't like talking to people about, especially about me showing signs of autism ever since I was diagnosed with a learning disability.

I think of what would have happened if I kept being schooled at Meadowbrook instead of transfering to McVey for when I finally got out of special ed.  Would I have been happier?  Would i be able to finally have a chance with making friends with boys instead of still being afraid of them.  I knew the entire layout of the school.  I knew that the kids there would have been more accepting than McVey.

I would'nt have to deal with being alone in McVey in 4th grade and 3rd grade.  I wouldn't have to deal with a bully like Nina or Christina or Nick.  I wouldn't have to deal with Steven G. or whatever his name is.  Maybe I wouldn't be so bitter.  Maybe I wouldn't be so mean now.  Some parts of my face would be normal.  Maybe my legs wouldn't be so scarred.  Maybe I wouldn't have to mutilate myself to keep from peoples' attentions...

But now I go to a psychologist.  There is no more Nina, Christina, or Nick.  There is no more Steven G. to be confused over.  I am the me of now, and I will take my actions with the consequences.  I am just as strong-willed as I was when I was little as I am today.  I will try harder and become a better person than the way I have been to people.  It will be hard, but I know that along the years of becoming a better person, more grown up, there will be sacrifices, sweat and failures.

I won't back down without a fight.  My vocabulary delay is not going to get me anymroe.  I trained so hard for everything, including being able to communicate with people.  Sometimes I hate talking and I hate being the attention of the listener, but I have got to get a grip and start trying to get used to this world without feeling like an alien.


Whine, bitch, moan and argue is all I ever do.  Why can't I be more forgiving, accepting, intuitive, and selfless?
---

Anyways, I have officially started on my comic.  I started drawing it out.  The small prologue, and then the first chapter.  I have to make everyone a candidate to be liked by the audience the most.  I doubt anyone would like Rita though *giggles* Well, I guess I should finally understand the meaning of making characters dislikeable instead of likeable in a story.  That way they have more of a chance to be respected and disliked than disliked and hated immensely.  Okay, well that didn't make sense... I guess I should say...

Make characters dislikeable = Characters will be respected.  Not neccessarily liked.  No necessarily loved.  Maybe the characters will be liked...

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how to relieve stress

I find it strange that I started disliking the Harry Potter series and I still like the Twilight series.  The only characters I seem to stand in Twilight are Alice and Jasper right now.  I put down Breaking Dawn today just so I can smash my head on some glass.  Too much lovey dovey Edward x Bella right now... even if they are the canon pairing, I don't really like them.  I rather read about Alice and Jasper.  They're actually both vampires.

Dislikes: Cheerleaders, some girls in my grade (I'm glad I'm out of high school now), must-slit-wrist-but-not emotions that pertain to things in life ( I imitate them ), getting horded with the rest of the prissy, prep girls in my school, being a bitch, myself, being touched, being around public, being surrounded by so many people, not being able to watch horror films and slasher movies without being squeamish and screamy, and thunder.
Likes: food, being left alone ( yeah... that's right... my elbow space is important to me... ), anti-social, being alone, corners, my hobbies, listening to musice by myself, being in the household by myself, mythology, astrology (ever since I was in 4th grade), anime/manga, swimming, water, fire, shadows, legends, lore, Korean manga, J-Pop, J-Hop, visual kei, techno, celestial objects, demons, ghosts, lightning, and metal.
Okay with: Twilight, Harry Potter, Death Note.  (Look, I like these three things, but seriously fangirls.  Shut up about them.  I don't want to hear about it anymore.)

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